I love you more everyday. whether I'm with you or I'm not. Whether I'm fighting with you or I'm not. if I'm not fighting with you, I'm trying so hard not to fight bc I'm sooo scared I'm going to lose you and then i have no idea what I'm going to do. I miss you so much. i have to hold you close when I'm with you bc I miss you and if I'm not holding you close, i'm thinking about when the right moment is to hold you close. I am in love with you babe. No questions. All I know is I feel a little crazy and your making me crazy. I didn't want to be like this but now that I am, I don't want to turn back. My baby.

Oh man, I do not, like this guy.

He is my "fiance". Um I put it in quotes because it's a complicated situation. Wow, he is so unattractive. Is that wrong because I feel like I can't love him because of his looks? Okay, I might sound a little shallow. I swear I'm not. Thats not me, it never has been. His personality is cute but it can get creepy. Oh yea he's European, and a super gentlemen, but I can't fall in love with him.

It's been a year. The first month, we talked over the computer, and sort of hung out near the end of the month once or twice. I was overseas when this happened. I had two more weeks until I left to come back to the states. I seemed like I loved him. I would tell everybody how happy I was, yet I was not attracted to him and secretly felt like I was lying to myself and everyone else. His birthday was two months later and I got so excited to buy him clothes and stuff but I DID NOT LOVE HIM.

I have made many mistakes in my life. So, I took a long time to think about this. And I decided he is the one, my reason include: my parents happiness, my family's happiness, and my future. Unfortunately as more and more time passes, I keep feeling I made the worst mistake of my life.

My friends advice have been that I need to be happy. Emphasis on I. And also that, you can't learn to love anyone. One friend said I should think about how much I will hurt him.

I wrote this entry in hopes to hear peoples opinion. I don't know if I am messed up in the head because my family believes he is perfect. I don't. What do you think?